WAGON TRAIN......DERAILED!

Okay, shit. That's the only word that I have to describe it. Shit. I can say it multiple times, SHIT SHIT SHIT, and that's the only word that I can use to convey my feelings. I feel like shit. I'm a piece of shit. I have eaten a bunch of shit. See? There is a running theme in my life right now. Shit.

As you know, I started so well. 50 lbs in a little over 4 months. Well, I've officially gained 30 of it back. The glass half full side of me says, "hey, it's not ALL back on", but the glass half empty side says "you IDIOT!" I'm going to have to agree with the glass half empty girl.

I just don't know why the bad stuff tastes so damned good! Once I'm not eating the shit for about a week, I don't really miss eating it. Until that one "taste" and I'm instantly hooked again. But, dernit if I don't feel like shit afterwards. See? There's that word again. Shit. I feel like shit on the physical level because of all the shit that I just ingested and then I feel like shit on the mental level because I let myself down. And here is where I learned a lesson. I let "MYSELF" down. Nobody else, myself. I'm sure along the way I have let other people in my life down. My father, for example, was let down when I didn't make the volleyball team my sophomore year in high school. This is where he says I lost my self esteem. In some part, he is correct. I had never been cut from any team in my life. Softball, basketball, volleyball, Pom Pon (quit that for volleyball tho). All my years of trying out, I succeeded. My sophomore year. Nope. FAILURE. I failed to make the volleyball team and I disappointed my family. So, I joined the band. I had fun in the band. But I still didn't have the respect of my dad. He actually said to me, when I didn't make the team "well, I guess you're not my champion anymore". WHAT? Seriously? And I thought not making the team was mentally hard for myself. Then I had to deal with my dad saying shit like this? (see...shit again) For years I have blamed that kind of insensitivity for my issues. My sister and I sitting in the back seat, me 6 years her junior and her commenting about how big my arms were. Her asking me at her wedding why I was so fat. In essence, she was embarassed of me because of my size. I'm pretty sure at that point, she didn't want me in her wedding, but it wouldn't have looked good to any of her friends if she were asked why her sister wasn't in her wedding anymore. I can just hear her explanation now. "well you see, I wanted my wedding party to look nice and I wanted the pictures to be an example of the life I lead, healthy and good looking" Neither of which I am, by the way. I used my other sister's death in 1992 as a crutch for my feelings. I wanted people to feel sorry for me because my sister died. Can you believe it? My sister just lost her life at the young age of 24 and I was using it to be the center of attention. I'm an asshole.

Have you ever heard the old adage that if someone tells you something for long enough that you start to believe it? And that you eventually become it? I am living proof. All through grade school I was told that I was fat. Sure, I was thick, but I was NOT fat. I look back at the pictures now and think that the people who told me I was fat were jealous of me because I had a GREAT personality to boot and they could never fault me for that. I was a person who cared more about her classmates understanding their school work than me getting mine done. I was very nice to all of the teachers, which subsequently earned me the "apple polisher award" at 8th grade graduation. This is something that I was really embarassed about. I didn't want to be known as a kiss-ass, but all of the teachers knew me because of my sisters. They all liked me. All of them. I never had a teacher that didn't like me. I was a good person, a good student and a good athlete. I may not have been the prettiest of girls (thanks to my dad's genetics) but I was awesome (read dork, geek, nerd) in my own right. As I said, I look back on the pictures growning up and I realize that the people who were calling me fat were bigger than I was at some point. Now, I take the cake (probably becuase I ate the cake).

My husband is a Godsend. I think he is one person who TRULY accepts my faults and never has anything negative to say about them. We are both fat, but that's not what makes us who we are. My husband has NEVER said to me that I have to lose weight for him to love me. He has never ever ever said that I shouldn't eat something because it will pack on the pounds. Instead he's always right by my side eating the same shit. HA! Some days I wonder what would have happened to me had I never met him. He has done WONDERS for my self esteem. My mental status has grown leaps and bounds all because of him. He tells me that I am beautiful, and I believe him. He tells me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, and I believe him (although I wonder how bad his life really was that I was the high point..LOL). I love that man. With every ounce of my soul. I love him.

Back to me. I am now beginning to realize that no matter what other people think of me, I have only myself to answer to. Free will and all. Nobody made me eat ice cream, Doritos, Oreos, McDonalds. These were all choices I made. They were the wrong choices, but they were my choices indeed.

The best choice I made EVER..was to meet Bob at Chevys for dinner. That was when my life truly began.

For now, I'm still fat, but I have accepted the fact that in order to change that, I had to find fault within myself. I have found it. I will work on it. I will lose weight. I love me.

And the Christmas results are in...

When we first started this "diet", I didn't think about any goals, just losing weight. Shortly after we started, we decided to try to lose 50 pounds each by Christmas.

As of this morning, I've lost 51 pounds. Success!!!!

Now it's on to phase 2. I'm going to shoot for an additional 75 pounds by June 18th of 2011. Wish me luck!

Results, they keep a-comin'

This past Monday morning (Dec 13th) was our 13th week weigh-in. Down 47 pounds since Sept 13th. Lot's o 13's in this scenario, wierd... Just 3 more pounds until I hit my target of losing 50 by Christmas. The problem lies in the fact that it's holiday food and cookie time.... temptation will be strong, but must hold steady to hit the 50.

Beckie is doing awesome as well, but I'll let her post about herself, I don't want to steal her thunder.

I think I've finally gotten a target number to shoot for. I'm not sure I ever had one, but here it is:

275. That is what I want to get down to. I don't have a timeframe for when, but I do know that between now and June (when a wedding takes place that Beckie is going to be in) I'd like to lose as much as I can toward that target.

We'll see...

I'm still here

Okay...so I'm not the incredible shrinking woman, but I have now dropped a total of 31 lbs. GO ME!! Now, I've not been exercising, although I've thought about it a lot. Especially walking the dogs because they absolutely LOVE it..and it makes them happy. I just still lack the motivation to go do this stuff they call, exercise.

I'm not going to say that this diet has been easy, I am shopping and COOKING all the friggin time, but it's not as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Maybe that's because my husband is doing it with me and even though I don't see the results on myself, I see his results and it motivates me.

This week, for example, he had a breakthrough. When we first got married I had to buy him a different wedding ring since we misjudged the size and got one that was a tad too small. Since his ring is titanium, it cannot be sized so I bought him a different one. Now, his original ring fits!!! I am SO proud of my husband because I know it's not easy for him to eat a salad every day with dressing he really doesn't like. And for him to eat vegetables is amazing. I am truly awed by his dedication to this diet. GO BOBBY!

For now, I am trying to keep myself from diving into the candy bowls at work. There is a giant bowl of smarties here that is calling my name. Can't you hear it? It's deafning.........

Still droppin'!

Week 7 gone and so is another 5 pounds for me! Now I'm down to 373! Nothing like a good performance gear ratio to stop at!

It's results like this that is keeping me motivated. It was hard as hell looking at that bowl of Halloween candy and not digging in for a handful (like I used to) of yummy goodness.

I think our new tea kick will help sooth our sweet tooth, having a bit of splenda in each cup.

6 weeks and counting

Yup, here is the first day of the 7th week and so far I'm down 23lbs, and still not being any more physically active than usual. Watching lots of TV and still playing games (when time permits). That's not to say that I won't become active, just that I haven't and the results are still there. Even though I have "cheated" (only due to time constraints and lack of options... or non-desire to starve, if you will) a couple times (a couple hot dogs at a bon fire, a hot dog on a bun at a hockey game, a real Mt. Dew), I'm still dropping.

The porch will be keeping me active at times, but after that it's time for getting back to walking, or jumping on that damned treadmill that I've never used.

Next up... Thanksgiving... crap.

Week 2 down

HI! It has been two weeks since Bob and I have "changed our lives". I have lost a total of 14 lbs in 2 weeks. HOLY COW. I'm pretty sure that at some point it's going to taper off a bit and slow down. AND I"m pretty sure we're going to have to start exercising. (oh goodie), but I'm more excited that it will help burn more pounds.