WAGON TRAIN......DERAILED!

Okay, shit. That's the only word that I have to describe it. Shit. I can say it multiple times, SHIT SHIT SHIT, and that's the only word that I can use to convey my feelings. I feel like shit. I'm a piece of shit. I have eaten a bunch of shit. See? There is a running theme in my life right now. Shit.

As you know, I started so well. 50 lbs in a little over 4 months. Well, I've officially gained 30 of it back. The glass half full side of me says, "hey, it's not ALL back on", but the glass half empty side says "you IDIOT!" I'm going to have to agree with the glass half empty girl.

I just don't know why the bad stuff tastes so damned good! Once I'm not eating the shit for about a week, I don't really miss eating it. Until that one "taste" and I'm instantly hooked again. But, dernit if I don't feel like shit afterwards. See? There's that word again. Shit. I feel like shit on the physical level because of all the shit that I just ingested and then I feel like shit on the mental level because I let myself down. And here is where I learned a lesson. I let "MYSELF" down. Nobody else, myself. I'm sure along the way I have let other people in my life down. My father, for example, was let down when I didn't make the volleyball team my sophomore year in high school. This is where he says I lost my self esteem. In some part, he is correct. I had never been cut from any team in my life. Softball, basketball, volleyball, Pom Pon (quit that for volleyball tho). All my years of trying out, I succeeded. My sophomore year. Nope. FAILURE. I failed to make the volleyball team and I disappointed my family. So, I joined the band. I had fun in the band. But I still didn't have the respect of my dad. He actually said to me, when I didn't make the team "well, I guess you're not my champion anymore". WHAT? Seriously? And I thought not making the team was mentally hard for myself. Then I had to deal with my dad saying shit like this? (see...shit again) For years I have blamed that kind of insensitivity for my issues. My sister and I sitting in the back seat, me 6 years her junior and her commenting about how big my arms were. Her asking me at her wedding why I was so fat. In essence, she was embarassed of me because of my size. I'm pretty sure at that point, she didn't want me in her wedding, but it wouldn't have looked good to any of her friends if she were asked why her sister wasn't in her wedding anymore. I can just hear her explanation now. "well you see, I wanted my wedding party to look nice and I wanted the pictures to be an example of the life I lead, healthy and good looking" Neither of which I am, by the way. I used my other sister's death in 1992 as a crutch for my feelings. I wanted people to feel sorry for me because my sister died. Can you believe it? My sister just lost her life at the young age of 24 and I was using it to be the center of attention. I'm an asshole.

Have you ever heard the old adage that if someone tells you something for long enough that you start to believe it? And that you eventually become it? I am living proof. All through grade school I was told that I was fat. Sure, I was thick, but I was NOT fat. I look back at the pictures now and think that the people who told me I was fat were jealous of me because I had a GREAT personality to boot and they could never fault me for that. I was a person who cared more about her classmates understanding their school work than me getting mine done. I was very nice to all of the teachers, which subsequently earned me the "apple polisher award" at 8th grade graduation. This is something that I was really embarassed about. I didn't want to be known as a kiss-ass, but all of the teachers knew me because of my sisters. They all liked me. All of them. I never had a teacher that didn't like me. I was a good person, a good student and a good athlete. I may not have been the prettiest of girls (thanks to my dad's genetics) but I was awesome (read dork, geek, nerd) in my own right. As I said, I look back on the pictures growning up and I realize that the people who were calling me fat were bigger than I was at some point. Now, I take the cake (probably becuase I ate the cake).

My husband is a Godsend. I think he is one person who TRULY accepts my faults and never has anything negative to say about them. We are both fat, but that's not what makes us who we are. My husband has NEVER said to me that I have to lose weight for him to love me. He has never ever ever said that I shouldn't eat something because it will pack on the pounds. Instead he's always right by my side eating the same shit. HA! Some days I wonder what would have happened to me had I never met him. He has done WONDERS for my self esteem. My mental status has grown leaps and bounds all because of him. He tells me that I am beautiful, and I believe him. He tells me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, and I believe him (although I wonder how bad his life really was that I was the high point..LOL). I love that man. With every ounce of my soul. I love him.

Back to me. I am now beginning to realize that no matter what other people think of me, I have only myself to answer to. Free will and all. Nobody made me eat ice cream, Doritos, Oreos, McDonalds. These were all choices I made. They were the wrong choices, but they were my choices indeed.

The best choice I made EVER..was to meet Bob at Chevys for dinner. That was when my life truly began.

For now, I'm still fat, but I have accepted the fact that in order to change that, I had to find fault within myself. I have found it. I will work on it. I will lose weight. I love me.

And the Christmas results are in...

When we first started this "diet", I didn't think about any goals, just losing weight. Shortly after we started, we decided to try to lose 50 pounds each by Christmas.

As of this morning, I've lost 51 pounds. Success!!!!

Now it's on to phase 2. I'm going to shoot for an additional 75 pounds by June 18th of 2011. Wish me luck!

Results, they keep a-comin'

This past Monday morning (Dec 13th) was our 13th week weigh-in. Down 47 pounds since Sept 13th. Lot's o 13's in this scenario, wierd... Just 3 more pounds until I hit my target of losing 50 by Christmas. The problem lies in the fact that it's holiday food and cookie time.... temptation will be strong, but must hold steady to hit the 50.

Beckie is doing awesome as well, but I'll let her post about herself, I don't want to steal her thunder.

I think I've finally gotten a target number to shoot for. I'm not sure I ever had one, but here it is:

275. That is what I want to get down to. I don't have a timeframe for when, but I do know that between now and June (when a wedding takes place that Beckie is going to be in) I'd like to lose as much as I can toward that target.

We'll see...

I'm still here

Okay...so I'm not the incredible shrinking woman, but I have now dropped a total of 31 lbs. GO ME!! Now, I've not been exercising, although I've thought about it a lot. Especially walking the dogs because they absolutely LOVE it..and it makes them happy. I just still lack the motivation to go do this stuff they call, exercise.

I'm not going to say that this diet has been easy, I am shopping and COOKING all the friggin time, but it's not as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Maybe that's because my husband is doing it with me and even though I don't see the results on myself, I see his results and it motivates me.

This week, for example, he had a breakthrough. When we first got married I had to buy him a different wedding ring since we misjudged the size and got one that was a tad too small. Since his ring is titanium, it cannot be sized so I bought him a different one. Now, his original ring fits!!! I am SO proud of my husband because I know it's not easy for him to eat a salad every day with dressing he really doesn't like. And for him to eat vegetables is amazing. I am truly awed by his dedication to this diet. GO BOBBY!

For now, I am trying to keep myself from diving into the candy bowls at work. There is a giant bowl of smarties here that is calling my name. Can't you hear it? It's deafning.........

Still droppin'!

Week 7 gone and so is another 5 pounds for me! Now I'm down to 373! Nothing like a good performance gear ratio to stop at!

It's results like this that is keeping me motivated. It was hard as hell looking at that bowl of Halloween candy and not digging in for a handful (like I used to) of yummy goodness.

I think our new tea kick will help sooth our sweet tooth, having a bit of splenda in each cup.

6 weeks and counting

Yup, here is the first day of the 7th week and so far I'm down 23lbs, and still not being any more physically active than usual. Watching lots of TV and still playing games (when time permits). That's not to say that I won't become active, just that I haven't and the results are still there. Even though I have "cheated" (only due to time constraints and lack of options... or non-desire to starve, if you will) a couple times (a couple hot dogs at a bon fire, a hot dog on a bun at a hockey game, a real Mt. Dew), I'm still dropping.

The porch will be keeping me active at times, but after that it's time for getting back to walking, or jumping on that damned treadmill that I've never used.

Next up... Thanksgiving... crap.

Week 2 down

HI! It has been two weeks since Bob and I have "changed our lives". I have lost a total of 14 lbs in 2 weeks. HOLY COW. I'm pretty sure that at some point it's going to taper off a bit and slow down. AND I"m pretty sure we're going to have to start exercising. (oh goodie), but I'm more excited that it will help burn more pounds.

Results are in...

I dropped 9 pounds in the first week! That is just from changing diet and no exercise whatsoever.... yet.

So, my daily menu consists of the following...

Breakfast:
3 scrambled eggs with peppers, onions and a little cottage cheese
1 oat bran muffin (either pumpkin or banana flavored)
1 fruit serving (an apple, orange or a cup of grapes)
1 hot lemon drink (8oz hot water, 2 tablespoons of 100% lemon juice, and some Splenda to taste), but I make mine in 12oz size.

Morning snack:
1 fat-free yogurt
1 fruit serving

Lunch:
Large salad with typical greens, topped with white-meat chicken, and a vinegar and oil dressing (don't know the exact ratio's, but red wine vinegar, canola oil, Lowry's seasoned salt, and some sweetener)
1 oat bran muffin
1 fruit serving

Afternoon snack:
1 serving of vegetables (handful of mini carrot nubs)
1 fruit serving

Supper:
1 chicken breast (skinless, boneless) seasoned with either Lowrys seasoned salt or Old Bay seasoning
1 medium baked potato with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter... Spray! and seasoned salt
1 heap of steamed (or bag microwaved) vegetables

Evening snack:
1 serving of vegetables
1 fruit serving

By the end of the day, it's not so much that we're full... it's that we're tired of all that damn chewing! That's a lot of jaw work throughout the day! We just wear our jaw out and don't want to put anymore food in!

I don't expect the same 9 pound drop this week, but come next weigh-in (Monday mornings, now) we'll see how we fare.

Starting Again....again...well, okay, again...

Hello cruel world! If you're still reading this, I'm still fat. Yep, like my husband stated, we have fallen off the wagon. Shoot, we fell off the wagon and the wagon kept on goin! A friend of mine at work is helping us out this go around. We have a really good program (I hate that word) in place and as long as we stick to it...we will be successful! GO TEAM PLOOF!

Kinda empty 'round these parts...

Yup, slacker me has slipped back into the comfort (if you wanna call being overweight, out of shape, and out of breath comfortable) zone. We are getting serious again, and this weekend begins our Sunday weigh-in's again.

Must.... stay.... focused....

CRAAAAAAAAAAAP

How come it is SO easy to fail? I find myself worse off than I was last year. I am fat. I am miserable and I'm spiraling downward into a pit that I fear I cannot climb out of. I just am at a crossroads. I HAVE to get back on the bandwagon. I HAVE to do something to better my health and future or my husband will HAVE to watch me slowly kill myself. I am finding out that right now I am committing suicide by unheathy living. Every day my life is cut shorter and shorter. Can I reverse it? Of course! And I will!

I have decided to visit my blog every day and keep a constant vigil on it. I am also going to keep track of the foods I eat and hold myself accountable (ible?).

I watched a re-run of Oprah yesterday and was shocked by the information. I know I've been told things like that before from my sister, but to see it in all it's glory and have it "dumbed down" to my level of understanding was eye-opening. It was about diabetes. My father, grandmother and uncle are all afflicted and I'm pretty sure I'm close in the running. Not anymore. No more will I feel sorry for myself. It's an excuse. A pretty lame one at that.

Again, wish me luck, pray for me and help me out if I am falling!

Remember Me?

Hello! Remember me? I was the girl that was so gung-ho about losing weight that she decided that she would keep a blog to keep her on track. Well, I jumped the track, but am starting to find my way back onto a different one. I have had a rough go lately. In March, I found out I was pregnant.I can tell you that Bob and I were "super excited"! Then I thought, great, I'm going to be a semi-truck in a few months and I was becoming more apprehensive about being able to carry a healthy pregnancy. Well, my fears were solidified Apr. 22nd, the day of our first ultra-sound. We found out that we had what was called a blighted ovum. Basically, the egg is fertilized and implants itself but for some reason, the fetus doesn't develop. Quite common, I'm finding. SO, I kind of fell into a funk and started eating bad for me things. Crap! I knew better. I KNEW tasting chocolate goodness would start me into a tailspin of unhealthy proportions. Well, I feel like dog pooh. I loathe myself for letting it get this way again. Where I don't feel as though I can do it.

Today, however, Bob brought in and set up the treadmill that was given to us and I actually used it. No, not as a clothes hanger! I used it as it was intended. Okay, so it was only 1/2 of a mile (and barely at that) but it's a start!

Wish me luck!!

Crawling back up on the wagon

I have stumbled and tripped and halfway fallen off the wagon. Time to get back in the saddle and in control.

Surprisingly, I didn't go back up in weight like I thought I would have. As of last night, our weekly weigh-in put me square at 398lbs. Okay, that was the first hurdle, getting under the 4-century mark. Now it's time to work toward some unset goal... how about 325? Once I get there, I'll see what mark to set next... maybe 275? 250? 225? Time will tell...

Crap

Okay, so I didn't do as well as my husband. I actually gained 4 pounds! I guess walking DOES help. I did not really stray TOO bad from my diet, a few treats here and there, but I did not exercise.

I have had a few pieces of news that have rattled me to the core...will divulge later...

Survey says!

Jumped on the scale after a week of non-exercise, travel, and holiday treats. I didn't lose a single pound (no surprise there). I also didn't gain a single pound (surprise there). It'll be good to get back to eating good and doing some physical labor. Let's see if I can make this next week a good one.

Afraid to look...

I'll be the first to admit that I strayed from our plan of healthy eating while on my trip, along with it being Easter. I'm afraid to see what that scale is going to tell me tonight.

I am happy to report, however, that I tried on an older pair of pants that is a size smaller than what I wear now... and they fit!!!! Already seeing changes!!!

It's good to be back.

Got back from my trip for work and will be glad to get back to walking with my sweetie. Even though I was standing and walking around a big manufacturing facility, and went for a walk after dinner, it still wasn't the same as doing a good ol' fashioned trip around the neighborhood.

I tried to eat semi-healthy while I was down there, but I may not have fully succeeded. I'm quite sure this Sunday's weigh-in will reflect it.

Progress for the sake of progress

I'm happy to say that my weight loss is still going in the right direction... and I'm still not doing anything more than just being active. Not working out, mind you, just going for a walk or doing a 15-minute walking tape in the living room. The zero calorie soda isn't hurting, either.

I gotta tell you, I hate the taste of diet soda. I even tried the Splenda Coke, but still... blech. However, I tried the Coke Zero, and it was better, but then Beckie got me the Cherry Coke Zero... winner! The cherry flavor hides the "diet taste", and it's formulation (while having the same ingredients as Diet Coke) is just different enough to actually taste good. Thanks, sweetie!

So, yesterdays weigh-in clocked me in at the oh-so-close to the 300's range. I tipped the scales at 401. For those keeping track at home, that is another 6 pounds from last weigh-in, for a total of 10 pounds in two weeks. It's these kind of results that keep me optomistic and positive, and most of all motivated to keep going.

Motivation

It seems that some days, I have an extreme lack of motivation. It is SO hard to want to cook dinner. I'd rather go to McDonald's and grab a double cheeseburger extra-value meal with a fruit punch. It's so much easier and more convenient. Then I have days like today. It was cold and rainy outside, so Bob and I "walked away the pounds" inside. For those who do not know what "walk away the pounds" is I will explain. Leslie Sansone created this idea for those who wish to do a low impact workout in the comfort of their own home. She has created this army of home walkers and disguised an aerobic workout with the ease of simple steps. Simple yet hard to do for me and my husband. Holy crap! My arms are sore, my hips are sore. This sucks. But nobody said it would be easy. And it's not.

I can't say that I actually miss fast food. I really don't. I never liked the way it made me feel after I ate. I can eat the same volume of low-fat decent tasting food and feel great, but if I would have eaten the fat-laden high calorie food, I would feel very weighed down and greasy. Then, my hard to motivate body would be even more difficult to motivate.

Bob and I had a break-through today. We really did. It has been 2 weeks since we began our change. We had our weekly weigh in. Both of us have continued to move in the right direction. We are losing weight! Most if it, however, is water weight, but it's still something. It keeps us on track and we are seeing results. This, after a simple change in eating habits, walking and other simple exercises. Now, getting back to the gym.

What I truly want is an elliptical machine at home. I found one that I love. It's $1700, but I actually like the way it feels. Unfortunately, I cannot afford this. I probably won't be able to afford this for quite some time as I have a LOT of house repairs to make. Anyone out there want to donate to the "Fit Ploof" fund?

To eat or not to eat..that is the question

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer outrageous weight gain or to take arms against a sea of fattening food, and by dieting, end them!

Today at work, there was 1/2 a cake that was there for someone's birthday. It was white cake, not chocolate cake. On a normal day, I would have LOVED to dive into said cake and have my way with it. Instead, today, I walked over to the file cabinets, upon which it sat, looked lovingly at the cake and walked away. I was impressed by how much will power I actually possessed today. Now, that does not mean that I was not trying to justify how much one small piece of cake with obscenely delectable icing would not "kill" my new eating habits. But I knew different. I knew that one piece would be the end of it. I would just say "screw it" and move on. I was stronger than that. I survived the cake. It did not control me! I can do it!

I was talking with a friend today and told her about my current "weight loss". I can say I'm proud of me for losing weight, but I know that being the beginning, it's just water weight at this point and it will be more difficult from here on. The numbers, although satisfying, are not what's going to help me win. It's the subtle differences I see in every day me. The pants that I have in my closet that no longer fit. The absence of my waistline. The amount of space I take up on a bench seat. Not being able to fit into a seat in Scott Trade center with any amount of comfort.

When I can attain these goals...THEN, that's a victory.