*sigh*

Okay, today was a rather tough day for me. I woke up at my normal time and did the normal routine of packing lunches and getting ready for work. Not so tough. I went to work and we were steady busy, not so tough. I turned towards the door when someone walked through with 2 boxes of Krispy Kreme Donuts. OH MY GOSH. Okay, I handled that one by ignoring them as they were taken into a different room, but then I had to use the restroom. Not thinking, I went to use the one in the break room. The one room that housed the 2 boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts. Shoot. "Don't look at them. Don't make eye contact. Keep moving. In walks Adam, one of the maintenance guys at work and with a whoosh, he opens a box of donuts. DAMN YOU ADAM, I think as I get a waft of the sweet, succulent smell of Krispy Kreme Donuts. DAMN YOU DONUTS. I run into the bathroom and lock the door. They can't get me in here....they can't get me in here..

I finish up in the bathroom, only to realize, that I have to exit said bathroom in the same room as the Krispy Kreme Donuts. Okay, I can handle this...ignore the box, ignore the box, ignore the box. As I walk back through that room and into the radio room, a co-worker of mine asks me what kind of donuts are in the boxes. Are they just the glazed or a variety pack? CRAP! Now I have to handle the boxes. Okay...one, two, three...OPEN THE BOX..hold your breath, don't breathe the scent.........and close the box. Whew...got through that one. I pick up the box with the variety of donuts in them and walk quickly back into the radio room. I hand the box to my co-worker and let go like the box is burning my hands like acid.

I send a message to my husband who quickly replies in his best Darth Vader typing.."The force is strong with this one". HA. Funny Bob. Of course, what he doesn't realize is that going through my head was the scene from The Empire Strikes Back where Luke finds out that Darth Vader is his father....*heavy breathing* I am your father....as Luke replies..NO NO..That's not true..that's impossible....Vader "search your feelings, you know it to be true" Luke..NOOOOOO... as he falls into darkness

only my scene played out with the box of donuts......*heavy breathing*...Beckie I am your donut......Me "no, no, that's not true...that's impossible" Donut " we're so creamy..you know you want to eat us" Me "Nooooooo.....noooooo...as I fall into a giant vat of ice cream...
Then I snap back into reality and think..Good Lord I am hungry.

You know, the more I think about it, the more disgusted I am with myself for allowing myself to get like this. I can't believe how easy it was to do. It's not that I don't care about myself, but I guess I didn't because if I did, I would not have treated myself so horrible. I don't know......this is the hardest thing I have done in my life. But I can't give up.....

The Fat Girl.

Slight change

Well, we ventured out farther than before, with a 2-mile walk last night. Didn't mind it at all, but don't ask my shins that... they'll tell you differently.

We also discussed the weekly weigh-in. We have decided to go ahead and look at our weight every week, as opposed to just once a month, so we can have a visual cue as to rewards/consequences for not eating right, or not exercising.

And, we also added a few extra maneuvers to our nightly workout routine (ouch, grumble). Hopefully we'll get time to get the treadmill to the house so we can use that as well.

Fat Girl

Well, my husband is quite a bit more brave than I. He posted his weight. Nope, not going to see mine. It's too shameful. Much like the picture of me that was taken. Now, I've seen myself in the mirror so I know what I look like, but seeing it in a picture was quite a shock. I almost cried. I feel very ashamed to know that I look as I do.

I honestly do not know how fat women can honestly say that they love the way they look and feel. Bullshit. There is no other word than Bullshit. I am sorry, but you are lying to yourself if you love the way you are. You can love yourself, but not love what you are. I've had an argument with a few people in my life when I have called myself a fat girl. They think I am "putting myself down" and "being too hard on myself." No, I'm being honest with myself. Being fat is WHAT I am. Being a kindhearted, good, fun loving person is WHO I am. Big difference.

I am not happy with what I am. I know it's going to be hard to change it. I hope it's not too late.

And we're off!

Even though we have started to change our eating habits and take walks and such, our official start was this past Sunday, March 14th. We did our official weigh-in. Sure, it was one week after when I would have liked to have started, but that'll work itself out.

My idea is to have the 1st Sunday of the month be our checkpoint to see how we are progressing. However, to gather data and see trending (ok, that's the engineer side of me... can't have too much data) we'll be weighing in *every* Sunday, but we won't look at our own weights during these weekly weigh-ins, only the monthly one. We're writing everything down in notebooks to keep track of things.

Also, we are photographing our weigh-ins to track our losses as well. That struck home (quite convincingly, actually) what we need to get away from, and hope not to get back to.

So, my starting point is 411lbs (as of this past Sunday). I'll be posting my monthly numbers here so all can see how I'm doing. Also, I took numbers for my fat percentage and BMI, and we're keeping those in the notebooks next to our weight.

We've been good about walking 1.5 miles everynight, as well as doing some simple workouts (push-ups, leg lifts... simple stuff). We'll be adding in some light dumbbells soon to add resistance and change up what muscles are going to be getting worked.

Also (also), we have discovered some friends of ours were about to get rid of a treadmill they don't use anymore, and we looked it over and it will fit our needs perfectly! So, hopefully very soon we'll be able to go pick it up and be using that, as well as get our teeter-totter-glider-thingie next to it, and we can get some serious cardio work going!

Taking it slower....Thank God

Okay, I have done a lot of thinking since Bob told me that he purchased P90X. I really was happy that he was ready to make a change in his life because I knew I was ready for me. It just makes it so much easier when both parties are on board. I talked to several people at work and all of them were "in shape" troopers. They had a very hard time using the P90X system. I thought..damn, if THEY have a problem with it and they are fit and healthy...what the hell is it going to do to me? I'm fat and lazy!!

It took a bit of convincing, but I sweet talked Bob into starting slow. Nightly walks and a drastic change in diet. He finally relented and I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief.

Bob has also purchased a medical grade scale. Since we received the scale, it's been looming in my basement, taunting me, laughing at me, shaking its weights at me saying.."you are going to FAIL! Muahahahaha!" LIAR,I say..LIAR! I am NOT going to fail. I can do this. I HAVE to do this. If I don't. I may not be here for very long and that is NOT an option.

The love of my life bought me a Zune last year so I can use it when I mow the grass. It has been a Godsend lately. I take it to work with me and walk on my lunch break. It's a great way to get out of the dispatch room and breathe. Okay, more like pant, but breathe nonetheless. I have also convinced Bob to walk the neighborhood with me. I have asked him before and he has always declined, but this time he said yes. I think my jaw almost hit the floor. It probably would have if it wouldn't be for my ample chest. HA!

I did, however, find a flaw in my plan. Our neighborhood is RIDDLED with hills. I swear it's the old adage, up hill both ways. Let me tell you, your parents didn't lie. It's true. The hill that you walked up in the beginning somehow magically shifts in the time you've been away from it, until the time you have returned to the hill to finish your walk. It mocks you saying "HAHA..unfit person, you must scale me again". Stupid hill. I hate it.

The diet, ugh. Food, unfortunately, is a necessity. The proper food choices are a must. I know this. I've known this for a long time, I just chose to ignore it. I am a foodie. I love food. My favorite? Cheese Popcorn. Oh Good GOD. I love me some cheese popcorn. I can eat the contents of the entire bag in one sitting. That, my friends, is what got me here. No, not cheese popcorn alone, but the refusal to conform to healthy standards. Let me tell you, it is harder to change your habits than to have done them from the get go. This is my fault. Nobody else. Me. Beckie Lynn Ploof, 34 year old fat girl.

Getting closer!

I got home from work yesterday and the new scale was waiting at our door! I decided to get a good, quality scale, so I popped for a Health-o-Meter balance beam physicians scale. Today, the Omron Body Fat Monitor arrived. Now we just need to finish getting the resistance bands, dumbbells, and a couple other assorted items, and we can get going on the P90X!

Also, tonight we took a small walk. Was about 1/4 mile, with hills, so that was a nice start.

Here's to the start of a healthier us!

Soon to start (I hope...)

Well, I was really hoping to get going on this complete program this past Sunday, but we still haven't gotten all the items we need to start. I have ordered a balance-beam physicians scale, so that is on the way, but we are still on the hunt for some resistance bands and small dumbbells. I have a feeling that the first time through the P90X system, we'll be shortcutting some of the workouts, and then we'll go back through it at the end and be able to do more of the workout.

Off to go looking for the workout equipment again!