*sigh*

Okay, today was a rather tough day for me. I woke up at my normal time and did the normal routine of packing lunches and getting ready for work. Not so tough. I went to work and we were steady busy, not so tough. I turned towards the door when someone walked through with 2 boxes of Krispy Kreme Donuts. OH MY GOSH. Okay, I handled that one by ignoring them as they were taken into a different room, but then I had to use the restroom. Not thinking, I went to use the one in the break room. The one room that housed the 2 boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts. Shoot. "Don't look at them. Don't make eye contact. Keep moving. In walks Adam, one of the maintenance guys at work and with a whoosh, he opens a box of donuts. DAMN YOU ADAM, I think as I get a waft of the sweet, succulent smell of Krispy Kreme Donuts. DAMN YOU DONUTS. I run into the bathroom and lock the door. They can't get me in here....they can't get me in here..

I finish up in the bathroom, only to realize, that I have to exit said bathroom in the same room as the Krispy Kreme Donuts. Okay, I can handle this...ignore the box, ignore the box, ignore the box. As I walk back through that room and into the radio room, a co-worker of mine asks me what kind of donuts are in the boxes. Are they just the glazed or a variety pack? CRAP! Now I have to handle the boxes. Okay...one, two, three...OPEN THE BOX..hold your breath, don't breathe the scent.........and close the box. Whew...got through that one. I pick up the box with the variety of donuts in them and walk quickly back into the radio room. I hand the box to my co-worker and let go like the box is burning my hands like acid.

I send a message to my husband who quickly replies in his best Darth Vader typing.."The force is strong with this one". HA. Funny Bob. Of course, what he doesn't realize is that going through my head was the scene from The Empire Strikes Back where Luke finds out that Darth Vader is his father....*heavy breathing* I am your father....as Luke replies..NO NO..That's not true..that's impossible....Vader "search your feelings, you know it to be true" Luke..NOOOOOO... as he falls into darkness

only my scene played out with the box of donuts......*heavy breathing*...Beckie I am your donut......Me "no, no, that's not true...that's impossible" Donut " we're so creamy..you know you want to eat us" Me "Nooooooo.....noooooo...as I fall into a giant vat of ice cream...
Then I snap back into reality and think..Good Lord I am hungry.

You know, the more I think about it, the more disgusted I am with myself for allowing myself to get like this. I can't believe how easy it was to do. It's not that I don't care about myself, but I guess I didn't because if I did, I would not have treated myself so horrible. I don't know......this is the hardest thing I have done in my life. But I can't give up.....

The Fat Girl.